pouring my heart out

i worry about so much stuff its unreal.i see all these weight loss ads on TV and the Internet and i see all the pills and the special drinks and food.(witch none of it works! I'm sick of wishing that ill wake up and have 3 wishes or that i would win the lotto and get a million dollars so i could pay to have that weight loss surgery. I'm sick of my body looking like this I'm tired of not being able to find cloths and i dont want to have to shop at a plus size store anymore they can be so costly.i hate my body i don't like to look a pictures where you can see more than my face. I'm 22 yours old and I'm weight 320, my husband tells me I'm pretty and that he loves me the way i am (and i love him so much) but i want to love myself i want to wake up and not have to worry about how this shirt is gonna fit, if its going to cover my role or and just to feel confident in my skin and like how i look.
some day it so hard to find anything good about myself. something inside me so desperately wants to break and and let me think that this is OK your just meant to be fat but something just refuses and i know its not OK and my body is in trouble if i don't do something now. its hard to find the motivation some days but others its right in front of me.sometimes i feel like I'm the only one in the world with this problem but i know I'm not
I'm just going to have to give it my all and hope that's the best . I'm not going to wake up with 3 wishes or with a million dollars and i cant afford the surgery, so its all on me and it feels like the weight of the world. i guess that is the hardest part is just admitting. its my fault my body is like this and i am the one that has to fix it

new vids

weighing in on the web

just like you i see a hand full of weightloss programs on the internet, on tv and everywhere. do they really help? most you have to pay for, and few are free. but resarch shows that dieters who track their weight and food online stick to their goals more than those who dont. i found a few free sites and they are really cool (but for me it was a little confusing) but dont let that stop you plz try them out and let me know if they work for you!
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/
and
http://www.livestrong.com/
(the basic package is free)

random face of the day

starting over, over againg

now that are guests are gone and are no longer a porblem for me and my family, im going to get back on track with everything, i have my workout notebook allready to goand my workouts pland out for a few weeks, im gonna start working out for an hour a day everyday an dim trying to talk my husband into joing a gym(i really wanna to it a punching bag to hit)and i want to try that alli! i have heard and seen people do really well with it, but i think its like $30--60, witch thats not really all that bad i guess.

feeling down

i was really looking forward to starting my diet 9as you all know! but we now have a few house guest for a while and i felt like total poop when i was getting my diet stuff( like special meals and snacks) when i could have been getting stuff for everyone,so its been put off yet again i feel like a louser amd like i have let myself down yet again i dont know how long they will be here, i mean im glad they came here had a roof and not sleeping on the street, but at the risk of sounding like a bitch when is it going to be about me, i do everything for my son that i can and my husband and i love them with all my heart but for one i just wanted to do something for me but i hope everything will workout

getting ready

im really looking forward to starting my workouts and diet on thursday!!! i already made my diet journal and workout plan for the weeks to come, i am going shopping on wensday to get the foods and stuff for my diet.

i clean up my desk and moved my makeup collection just out o bordom, i am getting more request than ever on my youtube channel, so be on the look out for some really cool vids comming up soom in the nextew weeks!
aslso i have finaly got my blog the way i like it i have been working really hard the past 2 days. im just trying to get back in the habbit of blogging daily.on an end note im feeling good and getting ready for my lifestyle change!

haul (newset vid from my channel on youtube)

new start

a new start!!2011 is here and i and really looking forward to see what the year brings for me and my family!
i and restarting my diet and workout plan! i was really proud of myself for sticking to it the last time but things came up and i stoped, so im wanting to start again this time i think it will be even better